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I'm seeing Kelly Clarkson tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really appreciate what everyone who commented said to me on my last post. It really helps to know that there are supportive people there for me.

I have been doing so much thinking since my "confession" two weeks ago. Afterward I had some conversations that I really should have had years ago and it felt really good to be honest with people who have always meant so much to me and who I always felt like I was hiding a huge part of myself from. I'm still trying to figure out what I do in regards to all the other people in my life as well as what I do from here in regards to building some kind of life for myself.

The one person in my life I do not want to lose is the one who I am worried about telling the most. It's torturing me! If she feels uncomfortable being around lesbians, which she once said, would she start to feel uncomfortable with me since I have been attracted to women? Truth is, I think she's the most amazing person I've ever met, and I really don't want to lose her friendship but we have very different backgrounds and religious beliefs and I'm afraid that will cause her to feel awkward with me even though she's a really kind, caring and honest person. I'm not sure what to do.

Yesterday I was taking a walk with my mother and mom starts telling me I should start dating because I was telling her about this weird 45 year old man who was hitting on me at work yesterday. Thanks mom. I shut down the conversation before it could get into that nice awkward place where I start hyperventilating and she starts talking about "having a partner or a boyfriend" and I want to run in front of a car.

I'm a solitary person. I've always been. I'm also really introverted and I'd say repressed and I think dating is going to be a really horrible process especially if I haven't completely sorted out my sexuality which is why I ignore the whole dating scene completely. I think I'm too messed up and jaded to really have any kind of healthy relationship anyway.

I'm going to end this on a positive note. The new Cobra Starship cd is amazing and everyone should buy it when it comes out or find it online to listen to.

I've come to this sort of crossroads in my life.

I've been so distant and such a terrible friend to most of you that I doubt anyone will really care about me anymore but my brain is going to blow up if I don't say what has been hurting me so much for about all my life.

I feel like I keep changing into different people but  I don't like any of them so I retreat back into myself until I become someone else. I do not feel like the person who used to post at the music thread or who used to be obsessed with One Tree Hill or who used to go on AIM and talk with my friends. I don't know what happened to her.

My whole life is a lie and I have a secret that is eating me up inside. How do I accurately describe this? I'm not 100% straight. I've had feelings for women. I dislike most men in pretty much every way. I want more than anything to stop it but it won't go away and it makes me not want to live anymore. I don't define myself as any specific label because...I want to stay in denial land? Maybe...I could be wrong about my feelings and this will just magically go away? I can't even answer any of my own questions.

There are a few people who know about this but mostly I've kept it inside until now because it's slowly starting to kill me. I don' t know how to live my life anymore feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. I can't tell anyone. I walk on egg shells with my family because I feel like they have an idea but I do not want to ever talk about it with them. I feel so horrible with my friends and my co-workers because they are always making comments about gay people and I want to crawl into a hole each and every time. 

I'm confused more than anything and I don't know what I should do next. I just know that I'm going to keep hiding in my room because I'm so uncomfortable around people. I just want to disappear. I can't keep living like this but I feel stuck in this life like I always have. I can't figure out how to live in a world where I feel so scared all the time and when I feel so different from everyone else that I want to jump out of my skin when I have to socialize. I know my situation is not unique and many people can deal with this and live happily ever after but I don't understand how. I am too much of a coward, I think. 

I promised my mother I would never commit suicide so since I have to live, what do I do?  That will probably end up being rhetorical but I had to post this so at least now I've stopped lying to a few more people even if I keep on lying to myself. It's what I do best.

No book ideas? Okay....:(

Anyone have a good recommendation for the book club my friends and i are having? Friend, how about you?

happy birthday to me.....

so that's my new car :P i got it today! can i afford it? kinda. do i care? no! tho mine is more gray that looks silver.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAj1LMVSKP8

^^^

Finally I'm posting my new CB vid that took me a month to upload to Youtube. Fucking Vista/Vegas/YouTube.

Comments?!?!

I think this might be my favorite video I've ever made.

Blair and Chuck of course...set to Sex On Fire by Kings of Leon. Comment!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dp15tc15id8
(how do I make it so that the video plays on this page?)

So that was the video, now I have a question.

Has anyone else have major troubles with Vista and ITunes? I need help figuring out a way to get ITunes to stay on my computer and not need to be reinstalled every time I close the program. Help!

I wish I had never bought this new laptop. It's horrible. I should have gone with my gut and gone with a Mac like I wanted to. I knew Vista was horrible but I let the stupid sales guy talk me into believing it wasn't as bad as I thought. Well it is and then some. I have to install and uninstall Itunes 100 times to just get it to work. I can't upload my big video files into Vegas, which was half of the reason I bought this damn thing - to make videos. It takes forever to burn videos and sometimes it doesn't work at all. Why put out a product that they know has *major* problems?  I don't get that. The more I read up on people having problems with Vista the more I hate Microsoft for cheating people out of money with products that have bugs and no way to correct them. Why put that on the market? I tried seeing if you can put both XP and Vista on your computer and it seems to be a very long and potentially really disastrous process so I wouldn't try it myself. I hate this thing. I regret every decision I make, it never fails. How the hell do I get rid of this thing so I can get a Mac? It's just I paid so much damn money for it and the fact that I despise it really pisses me off. UGH. If it had cost like $5 I would throw it out a window.

I know I'm bitching. It's just been a long month recouperating from my surgery and I'm really tired and am not in the mood to deal with things that really piss me off. I'm pissed off enough that I can't walk without pain still, that I can't drive, that my left leg is also hurting me and scaring me, that I screwed up my medicine by taking so much pain medication and I'm really depressed for the first time in a really long while. I'm eating a lot and so I obviously can't lose any of the weight I gained the last two months and that is making me very unhappy.

I hate whining. I sound so rediculous. Sorry! The whole ITunes thing just pissed me off and I really thought I wasn't going to be able to reinstall it at all and that just made me so mad becuase why did I buy this stupid thing if I can't install the things I want on it and should work. Okay, shutting up.

Ugh.

I just got home from watching GG with my friends and I'm in pain but I just had to post something before I went to bed.

I'm going to mention things that happened in tonights episode so if you don't want to know ANYTHING then STOP READING NOW....

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Why oh why did they choose this episode to play FOUR Kings of Leon songs. WHY? They had to play the best songs ever over scenes I am never going to watch again. SEX ON FIRE IS CHUCK/BLAIR. CLOSER IS CHUCK/BLAIR. WHY?!?! They ruined the songs by playing them over stupid Aaron and Serena crap. He's nasty and she's an idiot and they played SEX ON FIRE for them! *cries* If it couldn't have been for CB then at least Rufus/Lily or Nate/Vanessa. Come on!

Why oh why was Chuck reading a book at home instead of attending the love of his life's birthday party? Yes, that scene was absolutely amazing and possibly my favorite of the whole episode but seriously, not attending B's party? WTF! Daddy Bart almost redeemed himself. I still hate how he's treated Chuck all these years but at least he's realized now that Chuck actually HAS feelings and isn't just there to be his whipping post whenever he feels like being a tool. Alas, it will be sooooo bittersweet though, and by bittersweet I mean heart-wrenching, ya'll know why.

Cyrus + Blair = lots and lots of awesome
Only Blair would get a conscience for her birthday. But he needs to never hug her again. Though her face WAS priceless.

I wonder if Dorota used to sing Girls Just Want To Have Fun with Blair and Eleanor. Because Dorota's girl crush on Cyndi Lauper was adorable. I love Dorota. She should be Blair's mommy cuz Eleanor is such a bitch. Blair is such a romantic she was so taken in by Cyrus's story too bad she let her old scheming ways take over but at least she redeemed herself at the end. I so thought when she said she had to scheme she was calling Chuck but that was totally my wishful thinking.

I really want Blair and Aaron to meet. I hope she has a few choice words for him and knowing Blair Waldorf, she will.

Why oh why did Jenny not just grab her dresses out of the garbage instead of trying to grab the lighter out of psycho's hands? The only way that is believable is if Jenny was actually afraid that psycho would throw the lighter on her to burn the dresses, then that's fine, but really, she's just not that swift.

I'm still bummed about the Kings of Leon songs. I was so surprised to hear them being used and it was just not how I would have imagined them being used. Since you know, Chuck and Blair weren't making out in any of the scenes tonight, and those songs are so perfect for them!!! *Sigh* Angsty, sexy, AWESOME! That is CB! So not right.

Jury is still out on Dan. Those Humphrey's are killing me. Rufus should just kill himself before his children drive him into the ground anyway.
I thought we'd get some more Chuck/Dan vendetta stuff but I guess that's over. GG really is going through storylines 1-2-3. Slow down!!

I think that is all I needed to vent immediately about. Next week is gonna be all about Nate huh? Uh yay? And by yay I mean ugh. I wonder if we get any CB?

*grumbles*

Knee surgery really hurts. It's been two weeks and three days since the surgery and while I am making progress, I still have weeks of physical therapy ahead of me, and weeks of limping around since I can't straighten out my leg. I wish you guys could see how gross it looks! LOL. It's definitely better but it's still so swollen and bruised. They found out what was wrong at least. They did two things. One thing was a procedure called a lateral release and the other thing was that they removed the medial plyca, which means they made it so the tissue around the kneecap wasn't as tight so that the kneecap could start to move freely again, and that they removed a thin fold of skin that got inflammed and was irritating the inside of my knee. The doctor says this should make all the problems I had before go away and I am hoping and praying he is right. So far so good though!

I have no idea how long it will be until I can drive again. My mom is driving me around everywhere and she's amazing but I hate being confined to the house which is very funny if you know me at all because normally I hate going out.

It's no secret I take medication for depression and anxiety and I think all the pain medication I took (vicodin) / am taking (advil) has messed me up and maybe stopped my medication from working the right way. I feel really down all the time and I'm feeling/thinking things I haven't felt in a long time. I have to wait two weeks to see my doctor so I guess I'll figure it out then. I would just stop taking the pain medication but my knee still fucking hurts and I can't deal without taking something for it! At least not yet.

I worked so hard to lose weight, and I had to have this stupid surgery because I screwed my knee up so badly exercising to lose weight, and now what am I doing? Gaining it back. Sadly, I don't think I can get through this recovery without chocolate.

I've been keeping myself busy with tv, gossip girl fanfiction, lj communities, cb fanvids on youtube and music. Same old, same old. I've been trying to get out but it's kind of embarrassing limping around, and was even worse when I had to use the cane to get around. Everyone at work called me old lady! So I'd rather stay in and watch Gossip Girl a hundred million times. I can't get enough of this show. It helps that my friends love the show too. Actually, I'll narrow it down further. They love Chuck. As we all do. I'm all spoiled and I just can't wait for everything coming up.

After my surgery I couldn't do much but watch tv and go on my computer and I love Chuck/Blair fanfiction so I was always at FF.net. The fiction for the tv show was always posted in the GG book area because there wasn't one in the tv forum. I started to notice that no fics were being posted. And if there were they were Blair/Dan. YUCK. I got all scared I kept thinking nobody was shipping CB anymore. Yeah, apparently they opened a GG forum at FF.net under the TV section and I just didn't know about it. Thankfully there were more CB fics there and I could breathe again without thinking that all CBers were turning into DBers. LOL. But there are a whole lot of Blair and Dan fics out there and they creep me out. Sorry to anyone who likes them as anything other than friends but I don't see it. So yeah it would have been nice if I knew about the new place for the fics while I had nothing to do but at least I know about them now.

Does anyone know the UK show Beautiful People? I started watching it last night. It's kinda interesting. I really like the music on the show. Does anyone maybe have it's OST that just came out? I can't find it anywhere. I've been listening to a lot of random music. Lots of Kings of Leon. My new favorite band.

We listen to this really great radio station at work and I have it streaming pretty much every minute I'm not at work. They play awesome music. Check it out ---> http://www.1019rxp.com/BroadcastHistory.aspx
Plus I love how they list every song they play so you can always find out the name of a song you hear and like!

My leg feels like lead so I need to walk/limp around and I should eat something even though food is evil. And I just want to say thanks to Jackie, Linds, Megan and Diane for the well wishes on my surgery. That meant a lot to me.

I'm having knee surgery next Thursday. It's arthroscopic and they are just going to look around and see what's wrong and FIX IT. I'm really nervous but I need to have my legs back to normal. It's been almost 5 months since I got injured and I can't take it anymore. This is what I get for making myself a healthier, thinner person? Why? I don't understand. It makes me want to scream! I went away with my friends last weekend and I could barely keep up with them when we went to the beach, walked around town and ate dinner. I couldn't even get off the couch later in the evening when we were all just hanging around playing card games. I can't have that be my life anymore. This feels like my last option at the moment and my doctor and physical therapist both agreed with that. But I'm kinda scared.

I love Gossip Girl! I have some questions/comments about the last episode and CB of course so Alix and Ally, talk about it with me!!

( you need me )
I'm either going to bed or working on my video some more. This week needs to end! It's been horrible so far. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

1. I bought a new Sony Vaio that was much, much, much too expensive and that I'm not even sure I like because I think Vista is a horrible operating system and I'm having issues with it already. It does have a nice 16 inch HD screen which I admit I am fond of but if I talk more about it I'll get really upset so that's all I'm saying about that.

2. Work is going well. I feel like I'm disappointing them a little bit but I'm doing the best I can and I learn how to do more every day and I can't beat myself up about stuff I can't change - which is something I'm pretty good at and doing right now.

3. I've been wanting to write about Gossip Girl since last night because I've been thinking lots of stuff but haven't had a chance to really talk it out with anyone so I'm going to write my comments under the cut for SPOILERS sakes.

( Chuck and Blair are EVIL and AWESOME!! )

I went to best buy because I'm having problems with my computer and if I want to fix this one it would cost nearly $750 to replace the motherboard and fix the operating system. So I'm not doing that. I'm going to buy a new lap top. Remember how I was when I had to buy a new printer....and pick a new cell phone....oh buying a new computer is going to be 100x harder than that. HELP! I have no idea where to even begin. The one I have now is a Compaq and it really did treat me well until this year when it started having problems but I don't know. Any one want to help?

I LOVE this video:

EW Fall TV 08: Gossip Girl



I'm not a huge Lei/Ed fangirl or anything but watch from 2:04-1:56. How about those looks she's giving him? It seems like she's enchanted by him talking much like the rest of the world who loves Ed's accent. Now we have it right from the actor's mouth just who/what Chuck is so passionate about. Like we didn't already know! But those looks. My goodness! The end is cute too where they are talking about fashion. I love my pajamas too! And I don't know if it's just me but I really liked the possibility of Nate & Vanessa last season and I'm liking the idea of them again now. I think Jess and Chase are cute together but I wish their interview could have been a little longer. I can't wait for Monday!!!!! I need more Gossip Girl!! My friend/co-worker was making fun of me because when we were watching the show every time a CB scene came on I would jump forward in my seat closer to her gigantic flat screen AWESOME television. Seriously, watching GG on it is the BEST THING EVER. It's like the size of her entire wall! Hence why I can't sit still and all my friends make fun of me. I can't wait to watch 203 on it, you spoiled CB-ers know what I'm talking about.

My first week (well four days) as a full-time employee is done! I am really proud of myself. I knew nothing about insurance when I first started and I'm cramming so much information in my head that it's hard to remember it all, but I'm able to do a lot of stuff on the computer now. I basically had to relearn how to use DOS. Yes, I said DOS. Welcome to the 21st century Allstate, come join us! But yeah, now I just have to pick a health insurance policy and I'm all set and we'll see how next week goes.

Anyone know a possibly good Chuck song, about someone who is in love but is unable to say it? Been trying to think of one but can't come up with anything. Eventually, before I lose my sanity, I'll be able to finish, save and upload my current Chuck/Blair video, so I can start on a new one with all the new episode clips I'm obsessed with, and when that happens I will need a song. And if no one helps me I'll probably go '80s! I'm waiting for Ally and Alix to yell at me now.

I forgot to mention something.

First, I still need help: xxxx://detect-file101.com
Please, what is this???!?!?!

Okay, so then at physical therapy, I rarely bring my phone or my whole pocketbook b/c there isn't a good place to put it but it was a late appt so I thought there wouldn't be too many people, so I brought my bag and I left it under my sweatshirt on a chair in the middle of the room...I didn't think anything of it, then when I got home I opened my phone and on the screen it looked like i opened up a new text and started writing something to someone, only I didn't write anything. It said 'wanna meet up' . Who the fuck touched my phone? I am so confused b/c there were older people there and I can't imagine they would just sit there if someone was going through my bag, and I didn't have my eye on it every second but seriously, someone went through my phone? I am very confused.

I'm still on my Gossip Girl high. I've watched each CB scene a hundred times already. I think this might be my favorite episode yet. Yes, even more than Victor/Victrola.

this virus website or something is attacking my computer whenever i try and open any site on mozilla/internet explorer. i need help. has anyone heard of xxxx://detect-file101.com i'm not posting the whole thing b/c i don't want anyone else to click on it by accident or get this thing on their computer.

i'm really upset and i don't know what to do. norton is blocking it but it won't stop and it shows up when i open anything. can someone please help me.

OMG Chase Crawford was at the US Open last night. On the big screen they had been showing people all night, random people waving in the crowd, but they also showed Wayne Knight from Seinfeld and Luke Wilson, who were there. Then all of a sudden the big monitor read "Spotted @ the US Open" and then who was on the screen? CHASE CRAWFORD! The best thing was he got the biggest response of all. First there was this noise of recognition and then the applause which was really loud. He was wearing a baseball cap and looked like he did not want to be on the screen but seriously it took me like an hour to get back into the game and stop thinking about how he was THERE! The game was awesome. It lasted til 1AM and I didn't get home til 2:30AM so I am exhausted, but it was SO much fun. If we had gone to the afternoon match we would have watched Roddick but the match we saw was SO entertaining that we really didn't care. Plus, Chase Crawford! And of course I texted Ally and Alix immediately and my friends just laughed at me. I think they might finally be realizing I'm not kidding when I use the word "obsessed" to describe me and my TV shows.

GG IS ON TONIGHT. Is it 8:00 YET?!?!

..........while I work on finishing my Chuck/Blair video. It's my first with Sony Vegas 7 and I'm going to finish it tonight or else I will shoot myself in the head. If only it didn't take a year and a day to render!

Anyway, I got a job! An actual, full time, with benefits, 6 minutes from my house, working with my best friend, job! One of my best friend's works at All-State insurance and when two of her co-workers left last week she recommended me to do office work there and help out the other agents. And if I like it there I can also get licensed and coincidentally make more money. I start Tuesday. It was hard on Friday saying goodbye to everyone at my old job but I am ready to move on. Did I mention the hanging with my friend all day? It's a really small office and the other people there are great too. It's going to be so much fun! I'm used to going to work at 10:30 so the 9-5 is the only thing I'm going to have to get used to but I will.

I'm going to the U.S. Open tomorrow. That's going to be fun! I've never been which is stupid because hello, I live on Long Island and the stupid thing is in Queens every year! But now I have actual friends to go with so I'm really looking forward to it.

Words can't express how excited I am for Monday. My friends and I get together every week to watch Prison Break, Heroes, Gossip Girl and whatever random show on Monday's we like and can DVR, and while I'm excited for the Prison Break parties to begin just because they are fun, I'm freaking insane FOR THE GOSSIP GIRL SEASON TWO PREMIERE! I'm sure I've seen about 1/3rd of it in spoiler clips but even so, I don't even know if I'll be able to stop myself from bouncing around her apartment to even pay attention to the other shows which we watch first, DVR GG, and then watch it at 10. At least that way we FF through commercials but I am going to be going crazy. I CAN'T WAIT FOR C/B! I am totally and absolutely obsessed with this show, can you tell? At least Alix and Ally are right there with me!

It's still only 88% rendered and I have nothing else to say other than I wish someone would update the CB fanfics I like so I have something to do!

Anyone have Matt Nathanson's new CD and want to share with me? I really like the new single I've heard on the radio. I also have been listening to the new Jack's Mannequin a whole lot and it's so so so so so so so so very great.

I'll be random now. I'm in love with my physical therapist! If only he weren't actually married. Darn. I like going on Tuesday's now because he and one other therapist are the only ones there and so that makes it much less painful! Kind of. Today I bought a new bag but I'm returning it because it makes squeaky sounds. I never buy anything so that kind of sucked but it was kind of impractical so maybe the squeaky-ness was a sign for me not to have it.

I have such food issues I'm not going to get into but it's becoming a problem especially today and I'm a little out of control with it.

Yay, 100% rendered. Off to finish my vid before the sun comes up and hopefully will post it tomorrow, if anyone actually wants to watch it.

I hit the car next to me as I was pulling into a spot in the parking lot where I worked this morning. I don't think it's a coincidence that I was pretty much falling asleep the entire ride there and then fucked up turning into a stupid spot. I only scraped the side of the other car and my car has the most damage anyway, but it was not a good way to start today. The person who owned the car works on a different floor and she was pretty calm about it but I felt and still do feel horrible. It's the Olympics fault. If I haven't been staying up until all hours of the night watching the games then I wouldn't have been so tired! I just like blaming something other than myself, even though it was all me, I think I just spaced out or something and that is what happened as a consequence.

A good thing that happened on Monday is that I got a new phone. The EnV2!!! I love it so far. I got the all black one and it's so cute. I have to get used to the full QUERTY keyboard but I'm picking it up fast thanks to Elizabeth and Alix who I text all day long (when Alix remembers her phone!!!)

All the physical therapy I've been doing is tiring me out too. I'm DVR-ing the Olympics tonight and going to sleep. What a long couple of weeks it's been.

This is just going to be a short post about the American Idol concert I just went to!

The highlights:

1. My heart stopping when David Archuleta sang 'Apologize.' It's finally beating again but it took a while. I have to find a version of it online.
2. David Cook wears eyeliner! I love him. If only he wore eyeliner and was gay too. Any luck? Either way, what he is though is an amazing performer. I love him! I'm definitely 100% a Cook fan now. He just has this look in his eyes like his entire life has just fallen into place and it's really wonderful to see all his dreams coming true (while he sings to us with his sexy voice)! Oh and he calls David Archuleta "Archie" which is really cute and funny. He was telling the audience the two of them were at the MTV awards yesterday and that Archie won most fanatical fans to which everyone screamed of course. He thanked us for coming to the show and not staying home to watch the awards! Which I forgot to DVR because I don't know how to use the DVR yet, dammit!

The best covers/songs:
1. 'It's All Wrong But It's All Right' by Michael Johns = AMAZING (he sang it all blues-y and sexy!)
2. 'Let It Be' by Brooke White = AMAZING (people were singing along and the song just gets to me anyway plus her voice sounded pretty good)
3. 'Hello' by David Cook = HAUNTING (and for some reason I really want to make a Chuck loves/stalks Blair video to this version of the song now)

The weird covers/songs:
1. Ramiel and Syeesha need to realize they are not Rhianna or Whitney or Beyonce or Maroon 5 apparently. Ramiel covered 'If I Never See Your Face Again'! and Syeesha covered 'Umbrella'. Both very odd choices. And I love Ramiel so that kinda sucked that she isn't really creating a name for herself because I really think she could be something. She's cute and spunky and had purple streaks in her hair!
2. Brooke White covered Feist! 1234! She instructed the audience to "snap it out" with her. While that was cute, I guess, the cover was just eh. Feist is Feist, man!
3. Carly sang 'Bring Me To Life' which was good but she sounded like a chipmunk for most of her set and finally started sounding like she does on TV during 'She Drove All Night.' The girls really didn't impress me. I won't even get into Kristie Lee.

The justification:
1. My hatred for Jason Castro is now justified by the fact that he was absolutely awful tonight. Dreadful! Off tune! No where near a tune! My 13 year old cousin and my mother said the same thing. At least he didn't sing 'Hallelujah'. I would have died a little inside if I had to hear that live. He also needs to wash his hair.

So to sum up: The David's are the real deal. My mom already has us going to Archie's first solo concert and I'm all for it. There was a lot of potential from this years top 10 and I enjoyed hearing most of them again, and some hopefully for the last time.

Hey Susan, know any good songs about jealousy? I want to make a Nate/Serena/Blair/Chuck (maybe) plus Georgina video but I need a song. Something totally dysfunctional for our non-judging breakfast club and their enemies. Thanks! Any ideas are welcome from anyone also!

I went for a second opinion on my knees and I think this doctor finally got it right. He says I have Patellofemoral Stress Syndrome AKA Runners Knee. I have been looking up information on it all night and I can't understand why my other doctors didn't come to the same diagnosis after I told them my symptoms because I most definitely and obviously have it. That means I was started with the wrong treatment two months ago and it just makes me so upset to think about how much better I might be by now if I had the right treatment instead. That means back to physical therapy and whatever else they tell me to do but I am doing it because this is hell and I want it to be fixed right now!

I need help. I can not find a bathing suit. I can't even find anything in my size to try on. I guess because I'm now either a size 2 or 4 that I have to wear juniors suits? I don't like the ones that tie behind the neck but apparently everyone else in the world does because that is like the only kind out there. I guess I just want one of those tankini type things with a skirt or boy shorts if possible. Why is that so hard? I have seriously run out of stores. I'm not going to find what I want, I know it, but I'd appreciate any help before I go bonkers.

I finished my first Gossip Girl video. It's Blair and Chuck of course. If anyone wants to watch it, I uploaded it to YouTube and I'd love some comments.




YouTube has a HQ option when you are viewing videos does anyone know how to upload a video in HQ because I don't know how.

So there are two good reasons why I haven't been around lately.

The first reason is that I started a Blair/Chuck video and I've spent EVERY WAKING MOMENT working on it. I am pretty much done now thank goodness and I swear it took me over two weeks to get it done. But I love it and I can't wait to share it. Right, Alix?

The second reason is that my internet hasn't been working in a week and it wasn't until five seconds ago when the Optimum guy came to install our DVR's and fixed my internet at the same time. *crosses fingers it stays working*

That has been my life.

I don't know which I'm more excited about having my internet back or the DVR. YAY, I can DVR now!

And now I'm off to straighten my hair, then eat dinner with some friends and go see Hancock.

I had my job interview. Sometimes I say totally stupid things and then other times I say things that might have been really good to have said. So I'm not thinking any more about it and I'll find out next Thursday or Friday if I got the job or not. Now putting that aside....

I have a random question. I've been seeing some fan mixes for The Host floating around some communities I belong to and mostly all of them have Mel/Wanda as a blond. I can't remember in the book how they physically describe her face. Was she definitely a blond? And she's 21 right? I am so itching to re-read the book its not funny.

Here is a quick numbered post because I think I want to go to sleep early but mostly because my internet is being a butt and driving me crazy.

1. I just read a really sad Gossip Girl fan fiction about Chuck and I want to cry! I'm such a sap.

2. I have a job interview on Thursday. I'm a little freaked out because I want this really badly  and I have no idea if they'll want me or not. I'm just going to be honest and try not to sound like a bumbling idiot. It didn't help that they called at 6:30 tonight while I was in the shower which is embarrassing because my mom called in to me to tell me and of course I freaked so I got out mid-shower and in a towel took the stupid call. I also told them I'd come in at a really bad time because it's exactly in the middle of my workday so now I have to take the whole day off and change around my hours so I don't lose out on getting paid and figure out what to tell my supervisor. It's been two weeks since I sent the application in and they could have called any time but no, I'm in the shower, and get completely flustered, and I swear my hands are still shaking and it happened hours ago.

3. I need to chill out! So I downloaded some How I Met Your Mother episodes, specifically the one where Barney and Robin sleep together and then the next one where it's Ted's birthday. Now, I didn't get the end of that episode, the scene with the goat at the very end, was the voice-over implying that Robin and Ted get back together by his 31st birthday? I wasn't sure what he was hinting at but it seemed important. That show sure as hell makes me laugh out loud though!

4. I forgot to catch up on the episodes I missed so I could watch Greek tonight. Without having a regular schedule anymore I never remember to watch anything. But after seeing Friend's last post, I am so curious what happens! I love them too!

I'm yawning now! Bye!